My Heart, The Vineyard

" I am dark, but lovely,

O daughters of Jerusalem,

Like the tents of Kedar,

Like the curtains of Solomon.

Do not look upon me, because I am dark,

Because the sun has tanned me.

My mother’s sons were angry with me;

They made me the keeper of the vineyards,

But my own vineyard I have not kept."

When I first read this verse, I immediately knew what was being said by the Shulamite woman- "I am dark, yet lovely". So many times, I would come to prayer, feeling like no one sees me the way He sees me. In the eyes of the world, I am small, insignificant, I don't have a big well-know name or ministry, I have many physical flaws, one being a missing finger on my right hand, and I'm really not "great" at any one thing. I struggle just to make "C's" while others seem to easily get "A's" as they slide through life.

But when I am in the presence of the Lord, suddenly my opinion of me, which is what all those things really are, are not a factor any longer. I see myself as dark, but He see's me as lovely. That is why my appearance is of no concern in His presence.

Several years back, I went through a really tough few years. I began in ministry at the ripe age of twenty-two, had my first baby at twenty five, and broke down about twenty-eight. I was very ministry driven, doing for others and for God, this pleased my heart. It made me feel important, and needed, lovelier I guess.

Two years after my mental breakdown, I was completely inoperable in ministry, and found myself sitting in a prayer room in Roseville, CA. I began having my paradigm shift, where intimacy with God became my source of breath and life. After a year or two of primarily ministering to the Lord, I began to minister in areas of administration, etc.

"They made me the keeper of the vineyards,

But my own vineyard I have not kept."

In the past, I had gotten really good about "keeping everyone else's vineyards", but when the storms came my way, testing proved my own was not secure. I had to reestablish the priority of keeping my secret life in God strong before trying to minister outwardly. This has reinforced the view of how He see's me, beautiful, and lovely. He wants to spend time with me and be with me, I am enjoyable to Him, and there's no greater place I'd rather be.

How about you? Do you primarily keep others vineyards before your own? I know most moms would agree, it is hard to focus on your personal growth and development. Have you experienced a journey like this? I'd love you to share.

Many Blessings,
Gina

This post is linked up with My Freshly Brewed Life's Song of Solomon Series. Please go back and visit for more posts on The Song of Solomon.