I knew someday I would begin to write about this, but hesitated because I never felt like I had full understanding on what it means. This post is going to be a bit painful, but I feel like I need to open this up for my own healing.
I'd like to share some amazing revelation on God's love, but I don't really have that either. What I have is a string of prophetic history that I somehow am suppose to be carrying this amazing understanding of the love of God, and walk in the fullness of it. So today, I'm gonna outline that, in faith that there will be a "part-two" to this topic talk.
I've always been a timid, scared, yet resilient person. As a young child, I would hide under my mother's dress, and never spoke to anyone til I was older, at least that's what I was told. I went to Catholic school K-3rd, and in Kindergarten I had a freak accident where I lost my middle finger. (yes, I still have four fingers only on my right hand). This made me more scared and reclusive. I was molested twice as a young child as well, which also set in the timidity and fear factor. I grew up feeling like I was mostly loved and approved by my family, because they had to love me after all, but I needed to be a super shining star to gain approval of others.
I wasn't the popular one in school, I was often teased, and spent most of my time crying in corners. It seemed like I had to work so hard for a C+ in every area of life. I wasn't as good as everyone else, so I had to work twice as hard, at least that's what it felt like.
I learned to be hard and take care of myself, after all, I was the only one I could count on, right? I resolved that love was for fairy tales and fantasies, which was fine with me, because I really enjoyed daydreaming. However, I when I became radically saved at age 19, I was bound up because I didn't know how to accept God's love for me. I felt like God was trying to reach me with His love for several years of attending youth groups and things, but it didn't click. He met me anyway, and has slowly been working on me ever since.
So this word, love, and I have this weird relationship. I'm suppose to tell people about God's love now, because I am a Christian, right, and that's what your suppose to do, but I'm not experiencing anything supernatural in that department. I mean I experienced healing, deliverance, signs and wonders, tongues, but I still didn't feel like a lovely person who was able to love. What I chose to do instead was avoid people that needed God's Love, because I certainly couldn't reach them, well not yet.
I was about twenty two years old, engaged to be married, and I was attending a ladies Bible Study, on the book The Excellent Wife. There was some sort of prize giveaway and I was given this book, The Way of Agape. God had my attention, He was trying to teach me about His love. I was pretty dull hearted, and still am, and needed clear messages, if you know what I mean.
A few months later, I was at our church office volunteering, and one of the pastors walks through the office with this name book. He passes me and stops. He say's, "Gina. Hmm, hey, your name means 'love'. Cool!" And then He keeps walking! I'm tearing up...
So thus the journey began, I feel like there is so much more, but I wanted to get a dialog going. Have you encountered the revelatory love of God? Please share your experience,
Blessings!
Gina
